Warning: This is a personal post, and it’s a little graphic.
It’s been a hard year for me. I have had very difficult things happen to me, and I know I’ll be okay but I don’t know when.
My grandfather has a stroke this year, and he hasn’t been the same ever since. The thought of losing him scares the shit out of me. He’s the closest thing I have to a father in my life. After my Godfather died when I was 17, he became the only man in my life I could trust. He’s the most amazing person I know and everyday it’s like his personality is fading,and I see how much it bothers my grandmother. It breaks my heart.
I take it back when I said my grandfather is the only man I can trust. Devon is the only other person. This summer was hard for us, we had some problems and he really hurt me,he broke me a little bit. I am forgiving him every day. Forgiveness takes time though,and he has since made up for not being the man I know he is.
I had a miscarriage at 9 weeks on Halloween. I’m pretty sure that was where I lost it. I have never felt so much heartache and physical pain in my entire life. There is nothing more heartbreaking than looking at an ultrasound and seeing an empty space where you saw your baby a week before and then bleeding for almost two weeks after knowing that your body is getting rid of your baby,and you can’t stop it. It’s so excruciatingly heartbreaking that it’s exhausting. Nothing makes you feel better,in fact when people try to make you feel better it makes it worse. I’m definitely a little better than I was three weeks ago,but I’m still healing.
This has probably been the worst year of my life, I will probably go through worse, but that doesn’t make anything any better. Here’s to next year though!
Devon, If you read this, I love you so much. I love you so much it’s almost painful. You’re my best friend, you understand me. I can’t live without you. There is no one in this world that I would rather spend the rest of my life with. I know that this year hasn’t been the best for you either,but we always have each other. You’re the one that keeps me going.
Despite what you’ve been told
I once had a soul left somewhere behind.
What I would give to go back to this time last year. Everything was perfect.
If there were one day out of my entire life that I could just stop time it would be this day.
My moms watching this tv show
It’s about this woman and her husband and how hard they tried to have a baby and they had a miscarriage and they had to work so hard to get pregnant. I literally threw up because I was so disgusted with myself.
That’s the thing about pain, it demands to be felt.